From my teacher:
During this Ɵme, towards the end of Av, as we
come nearer to the end of the year, an aroma of
forgiveness can already be sensed. The average
Jew finds himself in some way or another making
some type of cheshbon ha’nefesh (self-accounƟng)
as he looks back upon the days, the weeks and the
months. Perhaps this is spurred on by the last
three weeks of mourning, or perhaps it is the
approaching of Elul. In any event, the year’s
picture stands before the eyes and requests a
response.
Behind all the distracƟons, impulses and thousands
of situaƟons that someƟmes bring us to acƟons
that are not so appropriate, exists a Jew, a Jew
with a big and passionate heart like that of our
ancestors as they approached Har Sinai, a Jew who
desires to do Hashem’s will and to be close to Him.
This liƩle Jew, when his self-accounƟng appears
before him, is mostly not saƟsfied with what he
sees. If one would ask him, he surely would have
chosen a path that is somewhat different to the
one he took. He couldn’t explain himself to
another and the truth is that he doesn’t even
understand himself. Why is it that Ɵme aŌer Ɵme
his hands lead him, as if on their own, to a choice
that is not quite correct? How many Ɵmes has he
made up his mind that he would mend his ways,
renew himself completely and courageously fight
back. But in the end, it turns out just as always…
The smoke from the burning Beis Hamikdash has
sƟll not dissipated and the words of the kinnos
(lamentaƟons) are sƟll engraved upon the heart.
We lost the Mikdash because of our sins and every
generaƟon in which it is not rebuilt is considered
as if it was destroyed in their days. The days of Elul
are days of Teshuva and every person drags behind
a chest full of things that are not so flaƩering
which require Ɵkkun (recƟficaƟon). G-d fearing
people approach each of these things with genuine
seriousness, Teshuva is not a game for children
and sins and iniquiƟes are not automaƟcally
erased.
In the confines of his heart a person says to
himself: “if only I would hear a voice from above
that would tell me, or at least hint to me, that
someone up there is interested in hearing my side
of the story. Then … then I would open my heart,
call out, argue and scream out my heart’s pain
over all those hours of suffering and selfresentment,
aŌer every sin and mistake. It is not a
cry of complaint that would then burst out from
inside me, but rather a cry of pain, I would throw
myself upon my Father in heaven and let the tears
flow, I would quietly tell him: ‘I’m not even
worried about the pain of gehinom (hell), what
could be worse than all those hours, days and
years of detachment and distance from You.’ I
would tell him further: ‘You, before Whom nothing
is hidden, know the truth, that never, never ever,
did I have a moment of true saƟsfacƟon in this
world without You.’”
When one begins to understand how allencompassing,
essenƟal and infinitely deep the
Torah is, one is someƟmes overcome by dread; by
fear of judgment and worry. How could weak
people like ourselves – so life has taught us -
possibly cope with all those commandments,
decrees and instrucƟons? The responsibility that is
placed on our shoulders by the mitzvos is
awesome, and when Elul peaks at us from the
doorway in just a few days, the fear is doubly
increased. Even those who have not been stricken
with shudders like a fish out of water have not
been spared from the sudden distress that
Ɵghtens the throat whenever the word ‘Elul’ is
spoken.
In truth, is it even possible to accept the Torah, to
guard the mitzvos and to keep a true connecƟon
to Hashem amidst sadness and fear? Surely not! So
the tzaddikim teach us. Avodas Hashem is
something awesomely joyous, upliŌing and filled
with hope.
“I am for my Beloved and my Beloved is for me”
לי ודודי לדודי אני and it is certainly impossible to
maintain a true relaƟonship with this Beloved One
from amidst a fear of the staff of retribuƟon and
destrucƟon. There is no doubt that this merciful
Beloved One offers a connecƟon that is enƟrely
different.
Hisboddedus (personal prayer) – this is what it is
called.
Hashem is the King, He is surrounded by an
impressive array of ministers, servants and worlds
without number. Not everyone is permiƩed to
simply enter and seek audience with The King, and
certainly not someone who just yesterday did the
opposite of what He commanded. The great and
awesome King has beloved children and all his love
is given over to them. However, there is also
someone who really doesn’t like this. Soon the
days of Elul will arrive and thin strands of ancient
love will be woven again, they will join together to
form strong ropes of great and eternal love. At the
end of this month of mercy Hashem and the
Jewish People will be united again in absolute
unity. Then, the scheming and jealous one will
have nothing more to do. The Yetzer Ha’ra only
has one weapon – Loshon Hara (slander). He will
go and make his accusaƟons, he will take with him
all incriminaƟng evidence, quote improper
conversaƟons, and gather every acƟon that is not
appropriate. Then, the Merciful Father will have no
choice, the King ‘who loves jusƟce’ will be forced,
so to speak, to carry out the judgment G-d forbid.
The Evil One is like a sharp lawyer, he worked long
hours, days and months siŌing through every
possible source of informaƟon, gathered and built
an impressive case. On Rosh Hashana he will
present the material, more than this is not
necessary.
To be truthful, on the surface he is correct; there is
nothing to say, the Torah too must admit that we
were not okay. However, there is another side to
this story, what we alone know, the quiet truth
that is soaked in tears; the weakness and the
Ɵredness, the desire that sinks Ɵme and again into
a cover of burning inclinaƟons, the sense and holy
awareness that so oŌen disappears. There are only
two in the universe who know of these – the liƩle
Jew and his great Father in heaven.
If things are so much simpler, why not turn
straight to Him and tell Him: “listen Father, I will
tell some of what is in my heart…” Then, when the
great and awesome day of judgment arrives and
the accuser stands up and roars in a thunderous
voice, the Judge of the enƟre world will just nod
his head with a smile, wave His Hand with a
moƟon of dismissal and say: Have we heard
anything new here, this is old news, the one
involved told Me everything himself, we worked it
out between us, you are not needed here, you are
dismissed…”
This week we will hear Parshas Eikev, an “Eikev”
literally means the “heel” of the foot. We are all
familiar with the heel, it is usually sunk into the
ground, hard and without feeling, not so? In a heel
-like place of lowliness and heaviness it is very
difficult to say that we can hear anything. Whether
we like it or not, we oŌen feel that we are similar
to one without ears, people speak but he doesn’t
hear, he accepts upon himself infinite Ɵmes to
change and to recƟfy, but in the end he forgets
about it, what can be done?
But a Jew, even when he forgets, his mouth is sƟll
in his possession; he can sƟll say: “I want! I want to
be good …” And when we scream out like this with
all our hearts there is no greater proof than this
that we truly do hear well. Our yearning bears
tesƟmony to our hearing, that even when we feel
numbed and disconnected, we sƟll hear the call of
holiness. This hearing in turn tesƟfies to our
guarding of the mitzvos and this itself is the
receiving of the Torah.
There is another world, one that is good,
awesome, bright and full of kindness. A world in
which Elul is a month of closeness and those who
live in that world have hisbodedus all day. 