There is a lovely story in the Talmud about a Roman matron who asked a rabbi "What has your G-d been doing since Creation?" The Rabbi answered "Making marriages!" The matron said "what?!?! I can do the same!" She took her male and female slaves and assigned them marriage partners. A mass wedding was held. She felt very sure that she was as good as G-d. The next morning, all the newlyweds showed up beaten and bruised. She had to admit that only G-d could make a marriage.
The rabbis tell us that forty days before conception, it is decreed in Heaven whom one will marry. A person unmarried is only half a person.One of the greatest mitzvot is to match up appropriate couples, and to assist with wedding preparations. Everyone has a "zivvug" (a soul mate.)
In modern society, people choose partners based primarily on physical attraction. One famous Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife) said that the average young woman puts more thought into what dress she will buy than whom she will marry. I think we can say the same about men, just substituting a new car for a new dress.
In traditional Jewish circles, pre-arranged marriages were the rule. In the twentieth century, only the most Ultra-Orthodox went this route, but this is making a comeback. Think about it. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. In a pre-arranged marriage, the parents and professional matchmakers will determine if the couple actually has enough in common to be a match. It has been said that when we go on a date, we are not actually meeting the person, but rather their representative. If objective parties can see that two people are suited for each other, all that remains is for the couple to decide if they are attracted to each other. The match (known as a "Shidduch") does not require the people to commit from the beginning. It is like a blind date, but where there are no games. Both parties know that this is about marriage and commitment.From the first date, discussions will be held on the topic "if we get married". Neither side can be forced into the arrangement, and the halachah stipulates that the wishes of parents need not be respected in this area. The divorce rate in the Orthodox marriages is a tiny fraction of the general rate, although divorce is readily available and not considered a stigma. The Shidduch may be made by a professional matchmaker, or a friend or relative.In my case, the sister of a friend made the match between me and my wife, Sima. Sima was a guest in her home for a Shabbat, whereupon my friend's sister thought that we would make a good couple. Similar personalities, beliefs, goals, signaled a promising chance for a relationship. We dated for three weeks, got engaged, and were married three months later. That was more than 38 years ago, We have had a wonderful marriage, and pray that G-d give us many more years together.
Once the couple have decided to "tie the knot", there are different traditions in different communities as to an engagement celebration. Some do not have one. Some have a party (called a "vort"; a word), where words of Torah are spoken, and good wishes heaped upon the couple. In some communities there is a ceremony called "tannaim" (conditions), where a document of commitment to marry is signed, with stipulations made as to who is bringing what to the marriage. The time between the engagement and the marriage is also the time for the bride and groom to study (usually in a class) the laws pertaining to marriage and to sexual relations. These topics are discussed openly, with all the seriousness that needs to be understood for a life long relationship of love and mutual respect. We do not fall in love. We grow in love.
Then the big day arrives. There is no "bachelor party" or similar frivolity. In fact, in Ashkenazic circles the couple fast on their wedding day. This has two functions. One is to ensure that they will not become intoxicated and wake up married. The second is based on the rabbinic dictum that G-d forgives all of one's sins on the wedding day. Although the custom of fasting is unknown in other Jewish circles, the wedding day is always seen as a time for reflection and introspection. In Israel, many visit the Kotel (Western Wall) to pray for the success of their marriage. Customarily, the bride and groom do not see each other for several days before the wedding. They get to the wedding hall and....That will be my next post.