The physical union of husband and wife is, in Judaism, not a concession, but an affirmation of life. It is an actual requirement on Shabbat. Traditions vary, but it is generally considered an obligation on Rosh Hodesh (New Moon), as well as some holidays. It is also obligatory on the man to please his wife when she indicates that she desires his attention. Except on two days of the year, Yom Kippur and Tish'ah B'Av, when intercourse is forbidden, any other time the couple wishes, it is not only permissible, but a mitzvah. In the Ketubah, as we have seen, the obligation is purely on the man to satisfy his wife. Nevertheless, it is recognized in halachah that a man also has needs. Still, he cannot force her to be intimate against her will. But the Zohar gives a hefty curse to a woman who uses sex as a weapon. A man is required to make a woman feel good about the marital act. If there is any tension between them, it must be dealt with beforehand. Neither may think of other people during intercourse. I plan to go into some of the deeper meditations relating to this in my next post.
The major Biblical restriction on marital relations is during the period of "Nidah" (Menstruation). The Torah forbids intercourse during this time, as well as affectionate acts that might bring one to intercourse. (Leviticus 18:19) The Torah rules for Nidah are to be found in Leviticus 15:19-33.The Oral Torah fills in the gaps. All the rules are far too complex for discussion in this forum. Brides and grooms study these before their marriage for several weeks. I will try to give a brief rundown, with at least some explanation. First of all, it must be stressed, that there is no stigma attached to being Nidah. Unlike in some religious traditions, and some Jewish heresies, the wife is not driven out of the home at that time. In fact, she is encouraged to look attractive, without being flirtatious. If we look at all the laws of Tum'ah ("uncleanness"), they all relate to the Birth/Death cycle. The highest degree of tum'ah is a corpse. Second would be a living person who has come in contact with a corpse. Below that are some situations of contact with dead animals (even kosher species that have died of themselves, or not undergone proper "shchitah" [Kosher Slaughter]). But we also find tum'ah in connection with childbirth, emission of semen, and certain illnesses. Although the Torah does not explain why these things confer tum'ah, we can understand that we must balance our lives between transcendent, spiritual moments, and dealing with the existential realities of birth, sickness, pain and death. When we touch one extreme, we must prepare ourselves for the other.Torah and Talmudic law have different lengths of time for each type of tum'ah, and different cleansing ceremonies. Many of these are only operative in Temple times, some also now. When menstruation occurs, an ovum, a potential life, has been lost. The body rids itself of the ovum, and readies itself for a chance at producing life once again. After menstruation is over, the woman will immerse either in a natural body of water, or in a specially built pool called a "mikveh". (The Torah merely says "wash her body in water", but the Oral Torah says that all the water in the world is of no avail other than immersion). This may be seen as a reenactment of the birth/death cycle. She "buries" herself in the water, and is ready once again for life; her own, and her children's, as she rises from the water.. The time of physical separation from her husband is over. They are REQUIRED to make love on her mikveh night. The period of separation has brought them to the state of being a bride and groom once more. Even couples who have been married for decades re-experience the "specialness" of the "first time" once again. For technical reasons, the separation is actually longer than the period itself. In Ashkenazic tradition, it is always a minimum of twelve days, with some Sepharadim keeping a few days less. That the physical union of husband and wife is more than merely for the purpose of procreation can readily be seen by the fact that it is encouraged during pregnancy, as well as after menopause.
The recognition of this very deep human need, and its being elevated to the sacred, is, in my opinion, one of the greatest things about Judaism. But WHY is there such a need? Why did G-d create us this way? That will be the subject of my next post.