Azamra for Everyone Part 5

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The 7 Habits Of Highly Connective People

In Balak, this week’s parsha, the evil Bilam’s attempt to curse the Jews turns into a blessing despite his unwilling mouth. He says, “…He (Hashem) does not look at wrongdoing in Yaacov or vice in Israel.” If Bilam can bless, certainly, so can we.

HaShem Himself is intent on constantly looking for our good, and Hashem is our greatest role model. In fact, one of the reasons why Hashem reveals His particular actions to us throughout the Torah is in order for us to emulate them. Not for His sake, however, but for our own, the sake of our personal growth.

Of course, we’re limited—we’re human. And sometimes it can feel like the hardest battle on earth to see the good in a fellow Jew for whom we have negative feelings. But we can train ourselves by stopping hateful the tape loop.

Any habit can be broken—or even better, replaced by a healthy habit. In this case, remembering that we are all connected in ways we can only begin to appreciate, helps.

1. It’s usually easiest to begin by practicing with someone who doesn’t push your buttons so much—someone you don’t know personally, perhaps, such as a political figure or other person in the news, or maybe a friend of a friend. Think about someone distant from you, someone who you have a negative opinion of.

2. Remind yourself that unlike Hashem, Who is able to see the good inside each of us, we aren’t omnipotent. We are bound by time and space. Therefore, it is completely impossible for us to know every thought or feeling another person has had or every action he has done. We are judging the person as he is in only one moment of time.

There are 52,560,000 minutes in one hundred years (assuming your “villain” lives a nice, long life). Your odds of being struck by lightning in your lifetime are about one in three thousand. You have a far greater chance of being struck by lightning than knowing what is going on in another person’s heart the other 52,559,999 minutes of his life.

3. Ask yourself, would you want to be judged on the few minutes in your life where you personally failed? Or would you rather be judged on the other millions of minutes where you succeeded in being the kind, honest, generous person you truly are?

4. Once you’ve mastered the ability to be dan l’chaf zchut a stranger, then you can progress thinking kindly of a colleague, maybe someone in another office you don’t run into too often. Then your workmate. Even your boss.

5. Practice finding the good points in your noisy neighbor. Your enemy. Your friend. Actually list the good points, silently, verbally, or even in writing.

6. What about those closest to you? Are you able to ignore their irritating habits? What about the past hurts? Practice on your parent. Your sibling. Your spouse. Your child.

7. Once you’ve mastered the art of being dan l’chaf zchut, of giving benefit of the doubt for others and finding their good points, don’t forget to do the same for yourself. Remind yourself of all the good deeds you’ve done, your generosity, the effort you make to help another.

If you can’t recall grand good deeds, think of all the little ones. Did you light Shabbat candles last Shabbat? Did you cook a meal for your family? Did you do your best, making sure to fulfill your obligation to do the work your employer expects of you? Did you pay for the groceries on your way home (you probably didn’t steal them)! Did you pray today, even briefly? Think of all the good deeds you’ve done, no matter how small.

*We use the language of court to describe the effects of our actions, but these terms (Heavenly court, decrees, rulings, etc.) may be understood in a less coarse, more metaphysical light, one which does not diminish their very real effects.